Part 4: He is inStorms
I was going to need to make Jesus the Lord of my life to survive in the years that lied ahead.
Life was chugging along and soon our daughter was attending Kindergarten PM. Our son would go down for nap (more quiet time at this point) so I could get some quiet time of my own. One afternoon I was watching a Christian program about giving. I remember feeling a strong conviction in my spirit to give. The only problem was I believe my husband would not willing. So, I prayed that if God gave me a way to earn money that I would give everything I made to him.
I was in shocked at God's quick response, when I was picking my daughter from school, our neighbor across the street who had a daughter in her class, approached me to ask me if I would watch her daughter in the mornings because she had been asked to be a full-time substitute teacher. God opened that door. Though it was not easy, my husband fought me on it, but I kept my word and gave every cent that I earned plus a dollar to my parent's church.
I included her daughter in my morning preschool that I had for my kids. I even volunteered twice a week in my daughter’s classroom. Both the teacher and my neighbor said that I should presume a job as a preschool teacher. My daughter’s teacher gave me information about a six-week program where I could get my certification. I wanted to do it and convinced Rob it was a good idea. I planned to start when our daughter went back to school in the fall. But first, I visited my doctor to get back on a birth control pill. The doctor told me that I could start the pill that day; however, I wanted to wait until after my period. That period never came. Apparently, God had other plans. I was pregnant with our third child.
During my pregnancy, we were told that our daughter was not performing well in school. We already knew that her gait was abnormal and she had bilateral strabismus. She had an MRI to prove that there was nothing wrong that was causing either of those conditions. The teachers wanted to see if there was something causing it, so they didn’t a bunch of tests and we filled several forms. After all the data was collected, they said that she probably had Asperger’s syndrome. By labeling her that way, they were able to give her an IEP and get her the help she needed without it, they couldn’t do anything. We agreed for the sake of giving her the help she needed.
An optometrist had tried to fix her lazy eyes through therapy when she was three year old. It didn’t work and we went to a different eye doctor who informed us that she had another eye condition along with the bilateral strabismus- rotational nystagmus. The optometrist informed us that she needed surgery to correct the strabismus, or she could go blind; however, he didn’t feel confident to do it with her rotational nystagmus, a very rare and untreatable condition. We had to go see a specialist, a pediatric ophthalmologist who wanted to monitor her for a year before doing anything.
In the middle our daughter's storms, our third child was born-another boy. I had elected to have a C-section to avoid repeating my previous delivery trauma. When he was born, he was covered in red and purple dots over his whole body. Blood tests revealed that his platelet count was low as well as his red blood cell and his white blood cell count was high. They ran more test trying to find the cause. After consulting a visiting hematologist, they could find a reason, but thought it was mostly likely a virus known as CMV.
My son’s platelets count went up in the hospital, but his red blood cells remained low. I had to take him in twice a week for blood tests to monitor the red cell count and had to give him iron drops. He was very close to needing a blood transfusion, but thank God he had a great doctor at the time who only shall that as a last resort. After many prayers and adding formula rich in iron, he finally started to improve.
We ended up selling our home in the valley and moving back so Rob could be home sooner and our parents and siblings was nearby to help out with the kids. Our little boy made a full recover. Thank God!
Life kept going on. I had stopped attending church. I didn’t feel welcomed anywhere I went in town and I was struggling with the contents of the Bible and my view of church people.
Our daughter got surgery finally and her eyes improved. After renting for over a year, we bought another house. It was bigger than we needed, but God knew what we didn’t at the time.
After being in the house around six months, we had another unexpected pregnancy. Perhaps, the answer to a prayer I said without knowing what I was praying for. You see, I prayed asking God if we wanted me to stay with my husband that he would make it where I couldn’t leave. Yes, my marriage was still a struggle and it had been years since God gave me the dreams about my husband dying. Really, I was struggling to keep believing He wanted me to stay because I didn't want to.
When I found out that I was pregnant again. I hated it. I didn’t want to bring another soul into a struggling relationship. Plus, I was already stressed with three kids and a daughter who was struggling more after she found out that I was having another boy. I was scared that our fourth child would have problems as well. Thankful he came into this world healthy.
My health, on the other hand, took a turn for the worst. My blood pressure was out of control again. The incision from my C-section got infected. I was on antibiotics, blood pressure medication and four other prescriptions. Breast feeding was very painful and I ended up in the hospital twice from dehydration due to all the mediation that I was on. I made the decision to bottle feed for the sake of my health and went off most of the prescriptions and my health improved.
The next storm came shortly after that, we found out that our third child needed tubes in his ears. He had been in a free program for speech therapy. He had fluid build-up in his ears that caused him not to hear very well. This explained why he had several ear infections and wasn’t talking very well. When he was three we were able to put him in a free preschool program because his of his speech issues. He also was moved to the school system for free speech therapy sessions where he received an IEP )individual education program.
Now, we had two children with IEP. But it didn’t stop there, our youngest son would follow in his footsteps minus the ear infection, needing tubes and speech therapy and an IEP.
When our youngest was around two, my parents moved away. I had lost many friends due to the course of life and spending most of time and energy mothering four children with three with special needs. But God had taught me something special-to rely on Him.
I found a lasting trust in God. He was there when no one else was. It was at my most lonely moments that God taught me that I could rely on him. I needed God so much through all of these storms. They were tolling. I look back and realize that it was God who gave me the strength to keep on keeping one. He filled in the gaps where I lacked.
Even in my loneliness I needed friendships especially godly people in my life. I finally got the courage to go to MOPS, a local group for mothers who believe in God. It was difficult at first. I felt awkward. My youngest refused to go to the classroom with his peers and give mom a break. He was very stubborn like his mother and it was at the age where protesting nap time was a regular occurrence. This made it a struggle for me to make friends, most women there seem to have their small circle of friends already. I was searching for a horseshoe. A group of women who would open up their circle enough to let someone else in. It seemed impossible, but I tried to tough it out.
He went to the free preschool that his brother went to the following year. It could some time to adjust. I offer left as he cried his eyes out. With my heart breaking, I keep walking. Hoping, praying that he would learn that I was planning on returning to get him. Over a month, he started to crying less and it got easier for the both of us.
I thought having my son in preschool would help me in my pursuit for lasting friendship, but my attitude was off. I wanted people to reach out to me. In time, my experience at MOPS somehow opened old wounds from my past. I saw the backstabber in my past in the words and mannerisms of other women I was around. I really think that I was too scared of getting hurt again.
Even when, I attempted to open up and connected I felt alone. I didn’t feel like I fit in. They all watched TV shows like the Bachelor or Gilmore Girls. I like shows like Blacklist or MacGyver If I read books, I read self-improvement, but that only happened occasionally. Ironically, I was never much of a reader. I like to spend the little free time I had listening to music, going for walks, and writing. Then there was the fact that didn’t attend church at that time. I was struggling to find a place where accountability and grace/love co-existed. Something I needed to feel secure enough to invest myself in. In my community, I couldn't see both. I sought to protect myself and unknowingly got in my own way.
But God knew what I needed. He put a desire in me to write a blog about my past. At the time, I had no idea how much he would use it to help me.
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