My Story, His Glory

Part 5: Lessons learned

Writing that blog was God’s way of making me go back and deal directly with all the emotional trauma that I had avoided for so long. It was a very painful process. Those chains were thick, heavy, and hard to break free of. I learned that those type of chains that only can only break free of with tears and the grace of Jesus.

I think I really did relive my past, one bad experience at a time. But I wasn’t alone, Jesus was right there with me. I felt him holding my spiritually hand. I swore he cried with me. He met him in every moment and show me how every one need grace.

I had to face my marriage. I had to learn that I couldn’t change my husband, only God could. But the greatest lesson that I learned was this: as long as I was seeing my marriage as a prison, I was postponing God’s purpose for it. I believe, if God was and is asking me to stay, He has a great reason for it. Even if I never see that purpose revealed, I know God is good. I only wish that I had not wasted so many seasons with that realizations.

Then again, God never wasted those seasons. He used them to mold me. I was the one who changed. I learned how to love like God. I had to love Rob unconditional, not from my own heart, but by a deeper power, the power of the Holy Spirit. I had to learn to respect him and it was difficult because of all our history. I had to really search my husband by looking into part of his character separately to see the good within him. In my search, I learned to see his pain and hurt. The way I think God see us.

This made it easier for me to met my husband's needs. In the process, God has changed Rob. He still has issues managing stress and his emotions, but Rob has made a lot of process. We have together. I still believe God will keep His promises.

I am thankful to God for giving Rob a great job where he thrives and helping me have the faith to stick our marriage out. I thank Rob for working so that was able to stay home with our kids and avoid daycare. I am blessed to be able to sent my children to school and be home when they get out.

When, I think back to the moment I offered God my life for saving my first-born son’s and I remember that horrible nightmare where I went to hell, I realize a brutal truth. If God had let me die that day my son was born, I believe that I would be in hell right now instead of writing this and I would have missed out on over fourteen years of memoires with my first two children and never had my other two.

I am so thankful that God didn’t take me up on my offer that day. I am so thankful for that nightmare because it showed me the power of grace. Jesus was the lamb who died to cover our sins. But He is also the Lion of Judea who provides freedom from the pull of hell within this life and the second death. He, also, protects us from the pressure of shame and guilty of our mistakes and as well as the effects that other mistakes may have on our souls.

During the process of writing that blog, I grew anger at the site of church building. Figuring out why took me some time. I learned that I felt betrayed. A church is supposed to be a place of hope and restoration. I thought a church was supposed to be a place where people went when the world hurt them. My church experience was quite the opposite. I was hurt physically, emotionally, and spiritually in churches. So, when the world hurt me too and I went to church to help me figure it out, I only got hurt there too.

I felt like I had nowhere to turn to. Broken people hurt people and I was tired of others bleeding on me. I started have panic attacks just thinking about going back to a church building and this was a problem because I could see a church right outside my back slider door.

But in that time of facing my church pain, God healed me by showing me two truths. The most important truth is that religion practices and a relationship with God are two different things. I had a religious view of who God instead of a grace perspective through Jesus. The second is that church is not a building, it is a group of believers. It can be a community like a mom's group, a music group or Bible studying group. God intended the church to be like Christ. A group of believers who encourage each other, who reach out to the lost, and keep each other accountability to God's word.

When I accepted those truth, my relationship with God grew stronger, my faith increased, my own shame lessened, and I was able to let go of my anger toward the church and Christians. I even begin to hunger for relationships with godly people.

I was able to go back to MOPS. In fact, I joined the leadership team. I was beginning to make some great friendship and really enjoying the nightly group study that we were having called Restore. I was even thinking about trying a couple of different churches.

Then, Covid-19 struck, everything came to a stop. Everything changed. MOPS stopped meeting. Churches stopped meeting. My time for writing and reflecting came to a haul. I had to homeschool my four kids. My daughter, who hates change, really struggled with it. It was really rough on her, me, and our relationship. I thank God that I had a mother who was a phone call away to listen to me when I needed to vent out my frustration and who encouraged me to keep hanging.

Thankfully, my daughter has an amazing teacher who oversees her IEP. She got my daughter the help she needed to pass all her classes and move on the next grade. I am glad that my four children had each other to socialize with, even thought they fought most of the time.

God used 2020 to teach me more about him and myself. I had to work hard to keep focus on faith instead of being overwhelmed by fears. Tere was a lot of chaos being marketed, I had to seek the Bible more often to find truth. I had to pray more often to gather the strength and sound judgment. I learned about my desire for justice and how I needed not to forget my first love so I could see clearly.

I know the devil wants me to be full of regrets and regress in my faith. He wants me stuck in the pain of the past. But God would not let me stay there. He made me got back, face it, bury it, and put in to rest. Some people say that looking back is not a good thing, but I think it is not a matter of looking back. It is, however, a matter of where you are looking. Now, when I look back, I am not blinded by my baggage or other’s baggage. Now, I see God’s presence there and I am grateful.

All of my family's storms have bought me closer to God. God may not seem like good because of all the bad that happens in the world. Yet, He is because of free will. I always had the choice to left my husband despite the promise that I made to God, I have the choice to be a bitter wife or a better one. I have a choice to be an invested mother or absent one. Free will is a gift from a good God. What we do with our choices impacts the lives around us. When we take the gift of free will and give it back to God, He makes it good. He can even takes the bad choice we made and make them useful for good. . All of the debris showed me how much God is invested in my life and each member of my family.

If there is anything I know for sure, it is that I am a work in process. I am still learning. God is still working on me. I am certain he will be until Jesus calls me home. I know as long as I am living there will be something else God will use in my life to bring light to His presence, for me, for others. I only hope I let His light shine through me when a chance comes around.